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It's weird because when I am at the dojo and he is teaching I am very well focused, it's when I am not there that I get the tight stomach and longing thoughts.I will try to stay distracted so that I can at least breathe again (sorry for sounding so dramatic, this has been one very weird experience) I think that what makes it difficult is knowing that it is very possible for a wonderful relationship to come out of this.I became a part of this family in a very short time. I didn't want to loose it all, which would have definitely happen whether the relationship would have broke down on the account of one of us.But the "what if" question kept echoing in my head...Hello, I have been practicing Aikido for 3 months now and I am falling in love with my Sensei. He isn't just "the incredible, immortal Sensei" to me anymore, though I still respect him profusely, and still have the sensei/deshi relationship. I don't know if I'm getting across what I'm trying to say.
I don't want to lose him as an instructor so I felt as though I should keep smiling and hide what is really going on. Like maybe you find out you are one of several people who have had similar experiences - people you haven't met because they are no longer at the dojo. I would add, that when a breakup occurs what usually happens is that someone gets the dojo and someone ends up quitting (in this case I assume that the instructor would probably get the dojo). My Sensei is a good looking, early 30s, non-married man and I felt we had "a click" from the moment I've started practicing.
The reason I ask is that people put forth certain personas in different situations.
Your sensei, when in instructor mode (which he may be in even if you are speaking with him off-mat, since you are one of his students) may be a completely different person than outside of class. Do you love your sensei, or the idea of your sensei?
Finally, I made up my mind to just continue as I am and see where things lead (fate usually takes us to the place we should be anyway).
It took some time, but things eventually cooled down between us.
I would advise not to act on any of it, even though this must be extremely confusing and distressing. I do not see him on a pedestal..we are training, I give him the respect he deserves as Sensei at that time.